Have you seen the Nigerian passport? That green booklet with the glossy exterior and fancy interior.
Yes, this one.
Have you imagined the checklist involved in making the Nigerian passport a reality?
Green booklet? ✔
Coat of arms? ✔
A sprinkling of headache and wahala? ✔
And now, to the list of situations where this passport will cause Nigerians to suffer and be frustrated.
You get to embassies in your own country to submit your passport and they look at it with disdain.
Excuse me, Mr. Franco. Please, what were you expecting oh? Blue passport?
2. The official takes one look at your passport and starts asking if Osama Bin Laden is your family member.
The man was Arab. I am Nigerian. I don’t understand.
3. Sometimes, the only reason you are denied a visa is because you carry an unstamped Nigerian passport.
What even is that? Won’t I start from somewhere?
And even the gateman of the consulate is carrying shoulder for you.
Who does this one thing he is?
Hope you know working at the American Embassy doesn’t make you American?
4. When you’re at the airport and you hear a Nigerian man just scammed 234 people in Alabama.
*Hides passport in bag*
5. You get to the check out point and security officials start asking the most ridiculous questions like when your paternal grandfather’s ex-wife died.
Would you also like to know what I am having for lunch?
We could proceed to the toilet
Oh, we’re already going because you’d like to see if I will shit cocaine wraps?
6. When all your oyinbo friends start planning a trip but you can’t go because you need six months to sort out a visa
Erm, guys? My passport comes with unfortunate terms and conditions
7. So they plan another one around the time your visa will arrive but it comes with a huge red DENIED
They said I will go to France and steal the Eiffel Tower.
8. When you meet people who literally do not understand the concept of applying for a visa.
Why must I suffer??
9. When you bring out your passport and people say, “Oh it is nice to look at” because that is the only thing it will ever be. Nice to look at